Last night my friend tried to make out with me in an olive garden. Ahahah
Nothing says 'I love you' like never ending salad and breadsticks
why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time
Just tried to chase Captain Morgan with water...this whole drinking alone business is getting harder to do.
Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.
Looking for things to spread butter on. Found men's briefs in garbage can. Lost insurance card. Summer has finally arrived
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
He wouldn't let me leave his house until he made me orgasm once for every year I've been alive. The birthday sex song did not prepare me for this.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
Monday afternoon and I'm still hungover from Valentine's Day. I think I'm winning at the single life.
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Hell no. Last time I used a Slip N Slide I ended up with bruised ribs, a broken fence and the hatred of a half naked girl with a sprained wrist.
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
the yoga instructor with the "dirt" and "roots" tattoos is seriously mother nature. i get my period after ever session i have with her. i'm trippin' balls over it.
Randomize