TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.
i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?
I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry
It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
Who replies to a drunk text at 6am that's like against the rules of being a designated drunk text receiver
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Forgot to tell you--the bartender at Crowbar set his arm on fire last night. He was doing this "Cocktail" bartender trick of pouring alcohol that was on fire between glasses. Then some leaked out, onto his arm, and set his arm on fire, then his shirt. Exciting! (And he's ok).
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
I don't trust his life but I trust his penis.
I was so high I forgot how to swallow food, and I just kept thinking "thank god its just mashed potatoes, they'll go down eventually"
Randomize
