Your mom is more observant then Randy Newman.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
I can only be a whore so many days outta the week.
Samesies
I'm gonna stay in bed all day and watch porn in an attempt to stay warm.
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby
I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
