I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious
I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.
whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes
hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?
I really want to title the album "I want to make sex with your face" but I also want a job someday. Temptations, temptations.
WHY are the edges of my bra charred???
Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools
Just got my period. This just makes my beach escapade totally even that much more ok.
Just found a wrench in the washing machine. Sooo not doing your laundry anymore.
HE'S turngign 18teen real soon.k
well don't blame me. sometimes vibrators go missing and people get angry. these things happen
I'm sure nobody at Walmart was wondering why I was wearing a glittery tutu and needed $300 changed into small bills
we fucked and then he hand fed me a hot pocket
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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