Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?
im never drinking wine from a person in a wet suit and goggles ever again.
I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.
Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.
Challenge accepted. See you in hell.
His parents know me as "the white shoed screamer"
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
I had to hose off vomit off my driveway at 9 am.....so hot
his mom fetish really needs to stop. this is literally the 5th time i've come home from work and there's been some random skank and her kids in the living room.
did one of the kids use their poo like a crayon on the wall this time?
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
Well Jon got a DUI sleeping in the back seat so I thought the trunk was safer. BUT WHO CARES WHY JUSE PLEASE COME LET ME OUT!
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
