I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
Have you fucked anyone in the hospital yet because obviously this illness isnt worth it unless you do. I MISS YOUR HEALTH
About six hours after the bottle of smirnoff, I was googling "losing your stomach lining" and calling my mom for help. She has experience.
It's like if a cloud had tits and you laid on them.
This stranger told me I should "start playing for the other team" and then continued to talk to me about the joys of being a lesbian
Side note... I would pay good money to have witnessed the reaction of onlookers as I sprinted down Armtiage with a 15 lb bag of peanuts under my arm
iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
Well my grandma put the turkey in the oven for 4 hours and didn't have the oven on.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
If not, I can murder my liver twice...it's like a cat, it has 9 lives
THERE ARE LEGITLY 4 SEPARATE BITE MARKS ON MY DICK. WHAT. THE. FUCK.
Legitimately*
Go fuck yourself
Nice girl until she takes off the fake human suit and shows you the flesh eating demon she truly is
Randomize
