i just sent this text using only my big toe
as veruca salt said, "i want it now!"
uhh im not your indulgent father, stoned and im in the middle of making tacos. right now, tacos win
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud
it's sad that this is a milestone
she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off
He's telling everyone that the only reason he's at this party is to hook up with me. SOS HELP.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
you just won the triple crown of sex! your prize is more sex.
went back to my college bar last night. Bar tender doesn't remember my name but remembers me as margarita girl...I'm not even mad though
I say this out of love and friendship. Eat ice cream not the d.
I want a musical about memes.
Randomize
