Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
i just remembered that i beat off next to you while we were naked and passed out next to each other after last night... No Homo
Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.
they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out
My goal for the weekend: procure a blowjob using only stern glances, hand gestures, and crudely-drawn stick figures.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
They need to eat meat, go down on me the first time, every time, and know how to pull my hair. And there's a height requirement for this ride
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
I'm determining which apartments I'm mostly to move into based on how suitable the kitchens are for sex .
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
He made a group chat with him, his wife, & I. Is this really life!??
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
I'd invite you over to drink but then I wouldn't be drinking by myself.
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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