I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow
so you know how i got laid the other night? well a condom just came out of me and i dont know whether to be grossed out or happy
i am grossed the fuck out
you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."
she just gave her compliments to the chief, at dennys
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
It was scary, we all screamed. Never make mimosas in a car.
You tried to luge a beer down a flip flop.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
THERE IS A VIDEO OF DMX SINGING RUDOLPH THE RED NOSE REINDEER
I'm officially in the Christmas spirit
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Go to the bar. Find a girl. Ask if she can cook. Tell her you have a guitar at home. Ask her if she wants to see it. Bring her home. Sleep with her. Tell her it's your birthday in the morning. Enjoy your made with lust breakfast.
Just got a Lifeproof case for Christmas so hold on and tell me how my shower nudes look
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
While I'm here in reality dreaming of catching chili cheese fries with my mouth out of t shirt guns like Jesus is real
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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