I got wasted for the 1st time and I sat in a fridge for 2 hours and a trash can?
once I found out that a naked stripper wasn't gonna pop out of the cake I kind of just lost interest in the party
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
Next time you're baked eat baked beans and potato chips together. Like dip them in the beans. It's so good
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm tired of the topic. I sent him a pic of my vagina to change it.
i peed in the parking lot at work not even thinking, a woman saw
I thought since you asked to see my dick I might as well say hi
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
For one week of my life every time I pull my cock out I want the Jurassic Park theme music to start playing.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
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