Bristol Palin says: Remember to use protection
Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
You act like I'm friends with her or something. I only screw her boyfriend!
Oh yeah.
hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
Tonights drinking will be celebratory and victorious. Picture the end of The Mighty Ducks set to beer.
I'm texting an actual stripper. A male stripper. I dont wanna talk about it yet
You FaceTimed me at three in the morning while you were peeing. Your eyes were glazed over and you showed me your bellybutton.
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I brought a travel sized bottle of baby powder and sprinkled it on all of the couples making out on the wall in the basement
I have done everything sexualally imaginable with that umpalumpa
There are 6 of us in a mini cooper and his maid is in the trunk...she needed a ride.
I'm not just straddling the line between love and hate, I'm dry humping the shit out of it
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