I think my tv knows when im high and tells taco bell
KATE. I JUST NOTICED THAT LOWERCASE D'S LOOK LIKE SLIPPERS.
It was one time. Now I have to constantly remind her my name is Jessica not Jizzica.
So you had sex with my brother?
It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.
Found out last night that "Everclear" is Spanish for "shit got weird"...
At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.
I'm not pregnant. Security came before he could.
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
I'm spending tomorrow doing taxes and making jello shots. Is this adulthood?
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
I just ran into my psychology professor at Planned Parenthood she asked why I was there and I asked why she was there and it turns out we both had a scare.#bonding because of abortion.
Dude, running 15 min late.
Let's play a game, you pay for all the drinks I can finish before you get here. Go.
Randomize
