I want to stick my p in your. b.
hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
Bartenders are not toys. I repeat, bartenders are not toys.
We just broke into a lion king sing along. Understanding is not possible.
THEY SELL PREFROZEN MARGARITAS AND THEY COME WTH A STRAW. MY PRIORITIES ARE IN ORDER
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
He was semi blacked out in the hallway with a bucket, calling for me while I had sex with his best friend in the very next room. Why do you let me do these things?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
thank you for the vibrator recommendation, i've come six times today and it's only noon
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