Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
There is no point in being painfully greyhound thin if you are then going to dress like it's raining in 1992.
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
she insisted i was the anonymous guy on formspring that kept asking to bang her
Clearly I went along with it
i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .
OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.
Cognac is not meant to be taken in shots. I just wanted you to know the desperation of last night.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
I just wanna go somewhere and not be judged for wearing spandex shorts that make my ass look like a slice of fucking heaven. Is that so much to ask??
The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.
Ways to ruin a one night stand: the guy finds your parenting magazine on your dorm room desk.
I hope you get stoned and think that you're a seal in shark infested waters
Just ate 2 pieces of pizza in the shower.. New low or fuckin brilliant??
Randomize