Nicole vs. Life
I think I tried picking up these girls last night by asking them what their favorite color was...I obviously woke up alone
i definitely just woke up with half of a cigarette tucked underneath my balls. Last night must have been interesting
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
And I just found out I called my debit card a fast food passport so I dont deserve to live
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
He held the beaver pelt from the fireplace over my crotch and asked his friend "she look familiar now?", he then remembered my name.
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
Star Trek does not adequately answer all the questions that I have about alien genitals
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
Tripping over coffee tables hurts shins but face is okay bc I landed on a sofa.
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
Well now I’m in the bathroom puking up absinthe so guess I beat myself up over it one way or the other
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