I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.
I just wasted my iTunes Gift Card on a season pass for Hannah Montana. Bad decision?
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
Hey bro, did you ever hear from the background investigator that i was supposed to bang?
in the middle of giving him head in the backseat of my car he taps me on the shoulder, opens the door, throws up three times and then proceeds to tell me how amazing i am.
Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
I just want school to he over so we can build a big tent, do drugs inside it, and watch cartoons until the sun comes up.
That's all I've ever wanted.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
You just put lesbians and Hogwarts in the same sentence. Of course I'm in.
I don't know what song to play at my bong's funeral!
I hope dressing like a sexy, but very grown up and intelligent, secretary while out shopping helps disguise how high I am right now.
I left the office with a vacuum, 2 condoms and 300 dollars cash money. Tell me I don't have the most versatile job on the planet.
And change of plans today, I'm gonna lay in bed and eat taco bell and try not to die. Brazilians another day.
I really wish you were home bc youre the only friend I could ask to use an at home waxing kit on my vagina. I need you.
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