Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
These people need to leave so I can have rum and Doritos at work like every other American.
Don't worry about later. I already pre-ordered a pizza for a 1:45 delivery and told them to ignore any calls from your number.
You're getting good at this, you know that?
I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
you called me and cried until i agreed to record a rap about our lives with you
So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
The only thing I accomplished today was naming the bag of wine I've been drinking
Do you think it's illegal to work at a bar if you're on probation for a DUI? I need a night job where I can meet men.
I have a bruise on dick where you tried to "high five" me.
Considering the fact that everyone took the wrong jacket from that party, should we casually try to return the chalice and soccer ball we stole from last night?
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
Just realized that I bailed on you guys yesterday just so I could get wendy's. it was worth it but still, sorry
My vagina likes him more than I do, but I’m going to follow her lead and see what happens
Randomize
