You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
If everyone lived like me, we would need 5.9 earths. Fuck yes america.
I felt weird they were both staring at me waiting for the scoop on how your vagina felt.
It's sore actually
Just crushed a xanax into my chewing gum. Its gonna be a long, fucking up flight...
She told me that as long as she kept starring at the freckle on her arm she wouldnt throw up
explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.
Can we just ponder our lives for a second.
No I think my brain may implode in a puff of cocaine and sparkles.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
I just want a relatively mentally stable guy with tattoos and facial hair that loves Captain America as much as I do and will fuck me the way I deserve to be fucked, is that too much to ask for?
I need a hoe opinion
go on
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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