well look at the bright side
maybe you can be on an episode of "I Didn't Know I Was Pregnant"
So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.
Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
Ya I guess he's not a bad roommate. I mean if he wasn't here I would probably be more lazy and pee in bottles and stuff.
I found out what happened to that girls weave last night. It was draped over a bush in my backyard.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Girl re-adjusts bra, no one bats an eye. I re-adjust nuts, everyone stares.
Justin just used the term "industrial strength colon blow".
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
bitch dont make me pour hotsauce in your vagina
She has an alarming number of pictures with cat ears but the sex is amazing.
Randomize
