my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".
I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.
you screamed santa and jumped in front of 50 kids to tell him you wanted a bong for christmas.
I saw someone get arrested while I was moving out...this has to be a good sign.
She's like an enigma, wrapped in a riddle, tossed in miller light, inside a question. Nobody can explain a Heather.
Wait, just ask him if can you can join in. You haven't lived until you've taken part in a threesome with your father...or so I've heard
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
After getting kicked out of the bar, you proceeded to McDonald's, ordered 30 nuggets, slammed them all back in 5 minutes and then stole 3 traffic cones...how you only got charged with drunk in public is beyond me.
So hungover and decided to eat a burrito and a pot brownie for dinner, this is what adulthood looks like.
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
Our orgasm ration was 1:45. No. Fucking. Joke. I thought I was going to die.
So this ukranian guy got angry and took his clothes off. Now he has my credit card and I can't find my keys.
Randomize
