; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works
Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.
True life - we need to smoke together more often
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.
Blackout strip poker. Now. Bring flashlights because we found that candles are dangerous with nudity.
Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch
I've been smelling a baby wipe for three minutes. I didn't think I was that drunk but I guess I am
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
I'm pretty sure that the bartender arranged a marriage for me last night. Sounds like a legit birthday present to me.
Hey, I left a taco in your dishwasher.
As a member of the kink community, I feel grossly misrepresented
Randomize
