your parents love me but you hate me
Having a random hookup so left but love u
Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."
On second thought, trying to signify she was a butter face by wiping my bagel on her cheek may not have been in my best of interests
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
she's sitting in the bathroom of SA telling people to come in for a toilet ride
Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
I met her daughter,who I went to high school with on my way out this morning. She didn't seem to surprised. I love older women.
I feel as if I need Plan B just being in the same room as them for more than 5 minutes.
I met her parents last night. Her dad smelled like weed and kept yelling "I HAVE ALLERGIES AHHH MY EYES ARE BURNING!" During dinner It had to be good weed he didn't even know he was yelling.
I woke up cuddling a ham. That's not a euphemism. I actually slept with an entire ham.
Only true party girls take their birth control with Smirnoff.
JUST BECAUSE I ANSWER THE DOOR NAKED CARRYING A BOTTLE OF RUM DOESN'T MEAN YOU CAN STARE NEIGHBORS.
Randomize
