sitting with a guy who's looking at the cum stains on the bed. Do you think he's convinced it's from the cat?
No. He thinks you're slutty.
The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
Same here... Well I was planning on having some sort of deep conversation, but looking at how grim of an outlook tomorrow has on you, I'll just re-inform you that I have your pants.
He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.
got high to the hills theme song. FEEL THE RAIN ON YOUR SKIN. no regrets.
who was wearing the fake mustache? I just found one in my cleavage
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Yeeah, I think a threesome is one of those wedding presents you can't register for at Bed Bath And Beyond..
This is not the first time I've recognized my body is subconsciously trying to make pizza.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
Randomize
