Please tell me how I woke up out in the middle of nowhere wearing nothing but a hard hat and a man thong?
Odds of those being real?
One in who gives a fuck
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
Omg just had weirdest best cab advice situation ever. I kissed the cabbies hand as I was leaving like he was the pope and cried
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
Let's celebrate that I used a condom
You pretended to be Borat in that weird slingshot bathing suit and then proceeded to send another dick pic/nude selfie and said you weren't naked because you were wearing a hat.
Just remember: We don't tell our English professor about our fetishes unless she specifically asks about them.
I made an executive decision to rename my Resume file to something other than MONEYMONEYMONEY.
Keep two things coming: nudes and puppy pictures
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
It was funny for a while but 3 days later I still can't walk and I've constructed a diaper-like contraption to hold the ice pack on my vagina.
So just spent 30 minutes of my life talking to my cousins friend who told me she buys cocaine from a pizza place by asking for extra Parmesan
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