My grandpa is talking about laundry and he asked if i could run a "small hot load." Wow. I had to leave the room.
i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Guess who just got out of a ticket because the cop liked her costume? THIS GIRL.
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
You think you're smart. You're pretending to be asleep to save yourself from my hormonal pms mood swings. Unfortunately that only works against bears.
UGH FUCK THIS TRAFFIC I WANNA SUCK A DICK
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
Ice cream and condoms, solid grocery store trip
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
Randomize
