Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.
i think i have weasels eating my brain. Also there is a skeleton staring at me from the back of the bathroom door. it's an awkward vomit. come find me please
I know my whole body feels like I belly flopped onto concrete. Seriously need to tone it down for a while
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
just creeped your profile pictures and you should feel satisfied in knowing that you had great eyebrows even before people started drawing them on
I feel like any time there's that much rope, lingerie, and horse masks on the ground, it's safe to say it was a great night
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
I have to touch the horse lube. :-(
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