But I'm halfway naked in a seductive pose! I just want to get this right...
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
didn't have any spoons so I beer bonged my chicken noodle soup. I fucking love camping.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
You rubbing siracha on a cat with your feet is the opposite of what I want.
Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?
I wish you could take over my body and feel what my nipple feels like right now
At this point, if I'm not getting fucked by a man in ONLY cowboy boots, it's not worth it.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
He took a shit in my shoe. A part of me is livid and a part of me is impressed because that’s some real evil genius.
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
