The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Pretending to care about her feelings is becoming a full time job
They really brought out their best strippers for vday weekend
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
He asked her to marry him and she said yes. There is NO WAY she knows about his penchant for wearing lingerie.
You know you're fucked up when you decide to pour fireball whiskey in your vegetable beef soup
Her tits are absolutely massive. Like ripleys believe it or not shit
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He's gonna be like you slept with too many of my friends and you're being voted off the island haha
How did they ever let a trainwreck like myself run a bar?!
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
You offered him a “Sorry I Blew Your Brother” Blowjob. How does that make it right?
I promised him it would be better than the one I gave his brother which is really nice of me since their actually only half brothers and his brother is cuter
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