At this point, I would light birthday candles in my vagina for free drinks
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
Haha. We better find him. He looked like he came out of Switzerland's vagina, he's that much of a blonde beauty.
I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.
In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.
Then he kept saying sentences and ending them all with "the point of no return" even if it didn't make sense, and kept telling this other guy he wouldn't be his "wife son"
Using our apartments online floor/space planner to see how many beer pong tables we can fit. Dont think they had this in mind when they put this thing online.
Probably not lol but were fitting as many as possible
I miss you too. And it was nice meeting your brother while I was mounting you
Sexual Frustration City, population: Me.
I just tried to give a picture of a dude a blowjob. through my computer screen. I was leaning forward with my mouth open and everything so WALK AWAY
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
Not sure if buying Twisted Teas for the alcoholics posted up outside the gas station counts as paying it forward but I am optimistic.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
i swear a herd of elephants who like to smoke weed lives directly above our room
How is there a hawk inside this house? More importantly how the hell is he handling it without any gear?
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