just woke up and he was jacking off in the corner.. am i being punked?
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I picked my nose. Flicked it. I heard it hit something. Next thing I know, it's floating around in my wine glass.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
You should have seen her outfit yesterday. It was like pretty woman before Richard Gere gave her money to buy a new outfit.
Send me the video of myself under the polar bear skin. It's important.
Maybe her vagina is like a vacuum
I can't decide if that would be a good or bad thing. I'm leaning toward good
Feel like I died but someone put me In a human microwave and I got back to life.
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
So I got this new job… ever been fucked in a corner office before?
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I just learned that I could drop out of school and spend the rest of my savings on a giraffe are you free this weekend
Randomize
