He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away
Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
I honestly don't think it will ever get topped. Unless a real female cop arrests me, then fucks me. That's it.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I wish more of my problems were easily solvable by taking a good long shit.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
I blacked out and when I woke up and looked at the counter.. there was a full cake upside down. I dont even understand ...
Well the grass always *looks* greener on the other side but sometimes that’s bc there’s a sewage runoff...
Randomize
