he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
My new years resolution is to be alive new years morning
I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.
I never once brought up his unibrow when he was insulting me. That's class.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...
we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.
Just sneezed out a half gram of coke into a tissue. Four hours after the fact. The bender continues.
He follows more cats on Instagram then he does girls.. That's how you know your boyfriend is whipped.
i just want to get drunk and cry and have sex with lots of men
HE LIVES IN ANOTHER STATE
actually scratch that last text, he's the perfect boyfriend. He stays faithful and doesnt find out about all the guys here. it's a win-win
My ex just brought my grandpa weed. Not sure how I feel about this.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Talk shit all you want but with my new knife sharpener I have a lethal razor sharp pizza cutter. Fuck with me Mario I dare you!
Randomize
