have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
do you actually have a paper bowl full of broken glass and ecstasy or was that just a dream?
Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.
I walked home with an awkward asain couple. There was a language barrier but I think we're friends now.
I can't straight up say the only reason I smoked a couple bowls with you was for your three legged cat
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
ALMOST WRECKED MY SCOOTER. DAVE FRANCO HAS A TWIN AMD HE GOES HERE
I JUST HAD TO SNORT THE REST OF MY BAG OF COKE BECAUSE THE BAG RIPPED IN THE WORK BATHROOM.
I'm guessing you feel amazing due to all the caps?
LETS GET THIS SHIT DONE. IM GONNA GET THIS SHIT DONE, FOREVER.
so horny i almost want to text him..and then i remember the restraining order i have against him
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
I was totes going to lose it to him last night, but I cried and we ate mexican food instead.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
