Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!
you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.
this must be what syphilis tastes like
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
Putting all my energy Into finding a polite way to ask my mailman to fuck me in his car.
Trevor is horny so he just called me to tell me all the things that he would like to do with his future wife. That's a new one.
I know he'd never cheat on me. It'd be like choosing Mexican tap water over Patron.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
After I'd been making out with her for a good 15 minutes some guy yelled "grab this chicks beer she needs both hands!" And he was right I did need both: god bless jello wrestling.
So I'm about to drive his drunk ass home and he spits on my car. Before I can say, "Dude, what the fuck?!", he puts his finger to my lips and goes "shhh, its in the past."
I'm hungover laying in my moms bed watching Space Jam.. Adult Life..
In that case, if you come anywhere near my house you can expect to be chased down various streets by a half naked me wielding a baseball bat. No, I am not giving you my address.
Why so serious bruh
would it be uncouth to smoke a joint during office hours
This is why you're my favorite TA
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