stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Stop staring at my boobs, I can't concentrate
Well how do you think I feel
fair enough
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
We don't watch enough power rangers
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
We can't stop being roommates, you do such a good job of holding my hair back when I puke. I don't wanna buy hair elastics.
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
I'm keeping both. The way I see it, boyfriends come and go, but a good dick is forever.
I twisted my ankle while drunkenly playing in my adult kickball league. Now I'm having to use my grandpa's cane to walk at this party. I am so single.
you scattered cereal all over the floor so you could "re-trace your steps and figure out what happened." 20 min later you yelled about the mess and let the dog in to clean it up. 5 min after that you screamed since the cereal was gone. you suspected me and locked me in the bathroom so i could "think about what i'd done"
and you bit everyone who tried to let me out. no more tequila for you. EVER.
Randomize
