Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
good news, i'm not pregnant. bad news, i had sex with ***** last night and i think i'd rather be pregnant
even after i explained my bobby knight costume the bartender still kicked me out for throwing the chair
Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.
i flashed his best friends last night
you always were good at making good first impressions
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
I decided that Calgary can keep my underwear. They earned it.
I barely even remember him. He is just a distant beard in my past.
Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.
Are you still feeling it? I'm in the bathtub. The water doesn't work but it's okay because I'm wearing pants.
I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere
Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
My legs feel like baby dolphins
You ate my pie without asking. So don't get butt hurt if I send you link to plus size clothing stores.
Trust me, I’ve got a sixth sense about dicks that tells me if a guy knows how to fuck and it’s tingling. You need to prove me right!
I’m not going to bang him just to confirm your Dickth Sense
The Dickth Sense!!! I love it! It’ll be our first porno!
Randomize
