Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
in fingerprint form on my ass. Seriously not cool. \ni bruiiiseeee like a delicate fruiiiitttt. Heeeaaarrr the rythymmm
I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Carson when you get home I want you to go downstairs and go into each bedroom and pick up the underwear and either throw it out or give it back to the people who own them. Look all over the room. Thank, Love Mom
He pushed a skinny white blonde out of the way just to tell me "you have the finest ass, like ever."
I have never loved a nerdy white boy this much.
We've been watching Scooby Doo and having sex for the past 36 hours, so life is great
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
Just learned a very valuable life lesson. Never motorboat a cat when they have claws.
Lesbians just stole my cat :(
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