Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?
You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.
I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey
GOVERNMENT SHUTDOWN NO RULES ICE CREAM FOR BREAKFAST woooo!
No worries I have vodka. Its always on time
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Note to self: Calvin Klein's are not safe to shit in.
I force fed him french fries and then proceeded to tell him how sexy corgi’s are … it’s safe to say he’s not texting me for a second date.
That was the best shit ever it was like an exorcism for my colon
Do you think it would be weird to wear a shirt that says 'big fun small package' from an ex for a first date?
A good example of deductive reasoning: Knowing that when my girlfriend texts me "I promise not to smoke all your weed!" that she is...at that VERY moment...Smoking All Of My Weed.
Try sleeping with him.
Why is it that all my gay friends have that solution...
Cuz you will have an answer or have sex.
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