did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems
When are you not under some influence?
Since last Tuesday...yesterday.
Someone took a picture of their balls on my phone last night. BEAUTIFUL PACKAGE. I will find this man.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
If I were you I'd use my green card to do more coke and less talking
I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"
I almost died in that meeting. Nearly dried up and blew away in the pure powder form of boredom
I know that feel bro
you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain
drunk and crying about Shakespeare- how's your night?
Damn you. I'm in a bar with Southern Jesus Fearing Blah Blah Rednecks WHO ARE PROBABLY VOTING FOR TRUMP and you go radio silent.
just the thought of you slurpin down noodles really rustles my jimmy
you suck at sexting
Scientific fact: if he makes a face like a demonic dog when he's fucking you, makes it easier to fuck without feelings.
Two days ago a random guy asked me to sign his forehead 'cause he wanted to have the name of the prettiest girl in the bar on him and never wash it. I just saw him and my signature still there...
Randomize
