Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
come find me. Outside the bar we were just in waving my syringe in the air
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
We got buck wild in our animal onesies last night. You kept ripping off your tail in angry rages.
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
I'm just that drunk tells people I love them or wants to set them on fire. Accept that.
he just fucked me for my cheese.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
We're pretty sure we got naked at Pride, so running the two blocks to your place in my underwear is a step up the dignity ladder really.
Dont care about too tired for sex, thank you for leaving your laser pointer. I have now determined both my cats are stupid.
He asked me to describe my life outside work. I responded with "Home-wrecker.
Randomize
