you traded sex for a burrito?
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.
Jus posted an album so big that it takes my manhood into question
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He made me keep his swollen nut cold with frozen bags of peas while rubbing his tummy because he said I had no choice.
My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Considering we're about to fuck, I really need your girlfriend to stop liking all my Facebook posts.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
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