hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed
Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe
He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.
Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
oh god all I remember is forward rolls down the corridor and all I have to show for it is "fit Romanian guy" saved in my phone
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.
Sadly, she's the porn star that got away
Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.
oh. oh my god. i just had lunch with my mom with semen still on my face.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
BITCH IT IS YOUR BIRTHDAY AND I'M STARTING ON A FISHBOWL OF LIQUOR WITHOUT YOU
I read that out. Group response is "Katie is hard as fuck."
WITH MOTHERFUCKING MONKEY MITTENS
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