I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.
haha i know
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.
I just realized that the thing that smelled like an electrical fire in my house was me.
But in fairness, I would totally have a robo-penis as long as it had full sensation.
that's the first time I've heard "shenanigans" and "apocalypse" in the same sentence
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
how early is too early to start drinking over the gilmore girls revival
If you ever tell anyone I offered you boob squeezes for cheetos, I'll kill you
u woke up and asked who took ur pants off then realized u did n almost cried over not gettin layed
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