6:33 AM: I'm drunk at this time of morning.
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
jack dropped his pants and said "bet u've never seen a dick this big." which was really sad cuz i had never actually seen one that small...you have like pinch it between ur thumb and pointer finger to give a HJ
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
I mean, once you get beat with a dildo you can't look at someone the same
I think there was chlamydia in those woods.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
You're such an expert partier. I feel like 22-year-old recent graduates should have to intern with you.
I'm a pro at the other 9-5
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
I'm trying to make sure he doesn't drown in the toilet. Because I'm a nice lady.
sober me doesnt really want him anymore, but when drunk me takes over, she might want him, and god only knows the shit that might happen with drunk me.
Do u think the bouncer will let me in with a giant stuffed snake?
I CAN’T BELIEVE YOU STUCK YOUR DICK IN CRAZY!
Randomize
