i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"
Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
I woke up pulling sunflower seeds out of my vagina. That kind of night.
I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
I'm sorry for what I said when I was orgasming
Hitting up all my dealers for my birthday grams is paying off
We walked into the RA's room and he said "is that alcohol" and I screamed "IT'S WATER" and ran out and Vanessa slammed the door and started making out with him.
Randomize
