My mom says you aren't allowed to eat doritos at my house
Please don't use social media to get back at me.
just saw bouncers outside a coffee shop. beginning to question humanity.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.
Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams
I'm getting paid over-time to sit on reddit and look at dicks and abs all day. I'm really happy right now.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
It was some weird herd predator-evasion instinct. All 15 of us took off running in different directions, and the two cops just stood there, perplexed. They had no idea who to chase.
Randomize
