You smell like a Billy Joel song
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
we're stoned watching those roller coaster simulators w our hands up screaming on our couch
I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.
Already at 3 and it's not even noon.
we played a my little pint drinking game. It was awesome.
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
You are the only person I have ever seen offer your other drink to the bouncer on two fors night
Bouncers are people too...giant angry people
But wait then while giving his drive thru order he goes in mid sentence, "Hey baby it's Travis remember me?"
What is ur current declared sexuality for my bingo board
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
Randomize
