his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country
Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
Seriously why is the deadbolt locked. This is the second time I'm having to sleep on the porch using my boots as my pillow. I can't wait till the next time your drunk.
Shhh, I'm sleeping. Just let it happen Jess.
Bible prof is the guy I made out with at the gay bar on the fourth. He doesn't remember.
Theres a freshman smoking a pipe on campus. This new class is setting a new standard we're not ready for
I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...
How can I explain how nice he is to you? ...like, I'm going to have to have my world famous why being a douche is sexy talk.
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
im not trying to sound dramatic, but im covered in microwavable lasagna
Are you texting, crying and driving?
And missing part of my eyebrow. Correct that is the description one would give of me at the moment.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
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