Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
I had to download the flashlight app so I could finish taking a dump when the power went out.
I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.
Put you drinking hat aside for Tuesday. My buddy is bartending!
I just puked in my drinking hat.
I would think I was a stalker too if I wasn't myself
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.
Is that even possible?
I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.
I almost just texted "I'm lonely" to my gynecologist.
SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
Who's the captain of your team? Captain Morgan as usual?
And me
Googled 'how drunk am I' and it was NOT helpful
Yeah but the jokes on her right? We just got a new couch and hers still has a cum stain on it from like six months ago
I have easymac and six pack of beer. This night can't get any better.
Randomize