I woke up this morning with "guy in polar bear j.crew boxers" written on my stomach along with a 5 digit phone number...
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy
Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.
I was wasted and the time changed. I blame the male strippers.
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
this is the first time in over a year I had a pregnancy scare and actually would have known who the father was. I guess this is what adulthood feels like.
That's how all the girlfriends are. Oh he's a boy, no worries, then BAM. I blow their boyfriend.
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
Wall of shame with a backpack full of beer bottles, cowboy hat in hand, and a handlebar mustache. I was applauded by a passing car
Gonna try and have sex in the empire state bldg, will tell you how it goes
i guess she just walked over ass naked and peed on his laptop. gonna call an over price on that drunk sex.
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
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