My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
we left the bar for like 10 minutes last night and moved his car so it wouldnt get towed. neither of us have a clue where it is right now.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...
We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning
Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?
I'm treating this like a real date. My boobs aren't even out.
I'm so proud, I have tears
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
I am so sorry for drunk texting you r kelly lyrics
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
what food is Colorado known for?
Pot brownies.
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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