In retrospect, pretending to punch a 9 year old girl in the face was a terrible analogy to use in a piano lesson.
if reincarnation is for serious, i better be a guy in my next life
with a huge shlong
massive. i wanna make bitches cry
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.
when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"
Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here
I want to put in my resignation as an adult. From now on I will be spending my time drinking beer and skiing.
You left your underwear in a sandwich bag on my kitchen counter.
You just managed to turn Doctor Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
not ubering you a puppy
I will 100% jerk off using my own tears as lube before I'd ever bang a 4.
I just got offered free tattoos if I smuggle some guns from OKC to Dallas for a guy in the hells angels
Sunday morning breakfast with the boyfriends family. I just puked in the stall at Cracker Barrell. Classy.
You tryed convincing the salvation army bell ringer you could do the worm and face planted into the sidewalk... I put a dollar in the can for your performance
Don’t listen to me, I’m walking around wearing nothing but rave bracelets and headphones shouting “yeeeeaaahhhhhh”
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