I checked into jail on foursquare
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.
he fucked me to the beat of the construction going on outside my house. i will never look at jackhammers the same ever again.
Unless you have figured out how to blow me through the phone don't drunk dial me.
I usually just read books and meditate to an aquatic soundtrack of sea walrus's mating. But ill choose coors light instead
Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.
Let me tell you how my drug dealer wants me to take his girlfriends little sister to jr prom
He's not letting me leave till I cum. I am a hostage to my own vagina
I'm wearing the monkey suit out tonight. I hope you're ok with it leaving the bedroom
I'm full of champagne and rage, of course I'm showing up at his house.
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
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