So drunk its hurt
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
I would kind of like a job that starts at 10:30 and i'll work til 7. I'm not very productive in the morning. My main focus is not puking from 9-11.
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair
Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.
How high are you?
Yeah that doesn't involve enough booze, count me out
My one regret (beside the inevitable shit storm that followed) is that now I can't fuck his cute friend.
He kept squeezing my butt and telling me how smart I was
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Excuse me while I take my birth control pill for today to prevent getting pregnant from hearing about your sex life
Think I was still drunk when I woke up cause I went and bought a mandolin
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