I have to start avoiding pregnant women. This is getting out of hand.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
i almost set my kitchen on fire last night. homecoming week is getting the best of me
well she hit her head and had a concussion. i had to make out with her to keep her awake.
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
Oh, AND I met a ukulele teacher that I'd date. So there's that.
He may not be fully over his current wife yet. But wait until I show him my tits in his office at the end of the day tonight.
I can't remember much from that party after we snapchatted my dancing boobs to all of her contacts
I don't know what happened. His phone, shirt, shoes, and the condom wrapper are here but he isn't. I don't even know how to get a hold of him right now
I think I maybe realized he was too old for me when I went into his bathroom and he had anti aging face cream.
someday i'll meet a man and who loves me as much as i love getting drunk and starting fires
I was trying to decide if i was still high whenever i realized i was pressing the buttons on the microwave cause i liked the sound.
Randomize
