i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.
You were so excited to be getting 4 tickets to the Whale Rodeo.... That high
Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?
We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong
I've already made the "blackout on move in day" decision
I drew a giraffe.. But she did say that bumped that test up from a 39 to a 40. It's the little things.
Whoops. I'm a horrible gf, I dropped the "I'm looking for jobs in a different city" bomb before I wished him a happy anniversary
He was too drunk, and my mother and I ended up babysitting him. He told her I have amazing mouth skills, and that I love the "chorizo" he feeds me. All she said was "And on the list of 30 things you never want to hear about your daughter..." while gripping the steering wheel.Please just fucking kill me now.
so I found out I could dislocate my shoulders on demand while I was trippin on e last night...
He yelled "HOO-ah!" like Al Pacino when he pulled down his pants. Trust me, he has every right to.
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
