ugh.. my birth control just came out of my nose. wtf?
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
There's something really special about 3:00 in the afternoon drunk that just can't be duplicated at any other time of day.
The fact that when I blacked in you were sober enough to kick me out of your roommates bed makes me question our friendship.
Just did a keg stand the dropped my phone in the toilet. Sorry for partying.
You did a keg stand on the toilet?!
I apparently made a "health and fitness" subcatagory called "drugs" on mint at some point. I used it to catagorize all of my nyc atm withdrawls for $60 haha
someone snapchatted me a porn of two guys dressed up as pterodactyls double teaming a girl
George disappeared two hours ago with a stripper named "delicious." Haven't seen him since
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
