If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this
Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.
Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure
He kept waking up periodically throughtout the night to bit my ear and pass back out.
Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
"Do You Wanna Build a Snowman" came on while I was riding his dick. I had to take a moment.
I want Walter White to make me a bologna sandwich while I'm chained to a support
The guy I hooked up with last night left me alone with his dog AND IT JUST SHIT ON THE FLOOR. WHAT DO I DO
I'm on a walk of shame carrying YOUR pants. You owe me.
He gave his liver a pep talk before the vodka chugging started
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