So I just found panties on our kitchen floor that had a slit in the vagina section. Does that mean shes open for sex, or she has a penis?
So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.
And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively
Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
These 3 days between Christmas and new years when all the bosses are on vacation are essentially a competition to see who can do the least amount of work
Canada just beat USA, the sad part they still need us to make money so who really won
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
So do you remember the bartender that caught me when I fell off the bar 4 weeks ago? He hasn't been to work since...Woops.
She's passed out with a slice of pizza between her boobs should I just eat it and leave
I FOUND THE LEGS
I love that we can live in a world where I can Google "Harry Potter lizard" and an illustration for my dream pops up
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize