If it wasnt for my iphone and loopt, I would still be wandering the streets in a drunken stooper. Thanks Steve Jobs.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving
Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.
chasing schnapps with beer is a terrible idea. never been drunk at 3PM before. please help please please please please
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
My booty call fought through ice and a foot of snow to get here. He brought booze, food, and cigarettes for three days. My vagina is the greatest motivator of all time.
when my phone is in portrait view you can just assume i've been watching porn. that's the only thing i want to see in full view.
Hard not to be concerned when you call me, tell me you've discovered the secret to flying, vomit, then hang up the phone. So yes, I'm coming to pick you up.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
I hate her so much I want to fuck her boyfriend.
Randomize
