I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
You sat there for 20minutes trying to seduce the picture of my dad.
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
He threw up, and left his credit card next to the puddle. He kept on saying he wanted to pay for the damages.
There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin
I would love a rich wife. Then I would be like a gym teacher or some shit. Bigfoot hunter maybe.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Pride is not for the college student young Padawan. Tequila is for the college student.
Never in my life did I dream that I would meet and NFL linesman, let alone that he would be standing before me dressed as a Roman centurion and asking for Vaseline.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
Is it bad that if I found out I couldn't have kids I'd be more pissed that I've been using unnecessary condoms than the fact that I'll never be a mother?
Randomize
