oh my god i am going to vomit. and little burgers wearing crowns are going to come out.
Who the hell brings a 6pack to a party. I'm trying to make mistakes.
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?
when you wake up in a apartment hallway wearing someone else's shoes, you can pretty much assume last night was a success.
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
Someone younger than me just got married. Send help and vodka
I haven't even sucked a boob is 6 weeks I hate not college
Hoping to get a pic of me on the tractor with an erection for you one of these days.
Was about to close the deal last night until he said he hadn't seen the Taylor Swift video. So I made him watch it before I let him have sex with me.
i wish he'd fuck me as good as he is at karate.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Randomize
