he whipped it out and it smelt like my toilet after taco Tuesday
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
We got kicked out of Walmart for playing cod with squirt guns of course it was better then prom.
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
Whatever it's Canadian jail, it's not like Guatemala or something. It'll be nice and cushy and they'll probably throw him a big bday party with all his friends and strippers
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
Why I hate online dating: not even one day in and a 57 year old asks me to call him "Daddy."
I just sneeze out a chunk of leftover pickle I threw up last night. dont you try and tell me your day is going worse
Yes, you can go into Petsmart drunk but the cats awaiting adoption don't appreciate the soft pretzels squeezed through their cages.
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
After sex he brought chocolates and said he loves RuPaul's Drag Race. How many points does he score for that?
I think I sent pictures of my boobs to an Olympic athlete...
My sex life is driven by spite and alcohol
i've got three words. i. was. spanked.
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
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