you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
Girl walking by was talking on the phone about how he needed to write a gratitude list in her letter to god this week. Too stoned
I made him a flow chart of what to do if I got arrested.
I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...
I didnt want you guys to know I needed to puke, so I just nonchalantly did in my solo cup and threw it out the window
Just got offered a dog by two Meth head's one of which wasn't wearing shoes and continually saying "fuck"
I wanted to make out with that blonde just so I could deck her boyfriend and make things interesting.
At least that would be something.
And he came by and picked me up. We cuddled in his car then had sex until... an officer doing his rounds put a spotlight on crazy haired, naked me straddling him.
Like he was inside me when I made eye contact with a police man.
Do you remember biting my ear and whispering quotes of Pride and Prejudice last night?
My mom just called hysterical. She and her sister found my dead grandma's vibrator.
The apple don't fall far from that tree.
It's rum buckets o'clock
I just want to go home and eat bagel bites in my underwear
I think my moral compass just broke
Bro, that'd be the third dick I've taken down in the office.
Crazy homeless man drinking beer out of a vitamin water container on the bus just set me up on a date with the yuppie next to him
Randomize
