meet me in the bathroom in 10 mins.
wait what? who are you hooking up with in the bathroom?!
aww shit wrong text.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
There are pictures of you on the shoulders of some old guy dressed as borat
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Why did I wake up to grapes taped my ears ?
Sorry dude, we didn't want you to hear us. Seemed like a good idea at the time.
He asked me not to hook up with anyone else because it would hurt his feelings.. while his arm was around his pregnant girlfriend.
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Sorry, my phone died and I decide to charge my vibrator instead. #priorities
my penis made a compromise with my morals
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