i walked into his room and he was eskimo kissing his weed..
Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.
the worst part is we had a camera rolling
Did his mom notice it when she saw u guys?
Yes.
I have to watch that.
Game over. He has a paternity test request on his table.
She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."
I'm not being over dramatic, but I think my heart is going to stop beating.
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
Yeah. Well last night I sold my shoes to a man who I'm pretty sure has a weird foot fetish for $150 cash.
Are you really surprised she can't remember? That's like 50 people. I couldn't rattle off all 50 state capitols off the top of my head, you're bound to forget a few here and there
Had a turkey baster with clean pee in it in my pants to pass a drug test, and the bottom fell off, so yeah I'm pretty pissed.
You don't realize how cold it really is...I poured my bong out the second floor window and icicles hit the ground.
He told me I smelled like fruit loops and then bit me on the tit
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