Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
why is it whenever you puke in the park there are always little kids on the swings?
i like to finish this college football season knowing that not once have I had to masturbate to erin andrews
She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Were going to have to vacuum the bathtub, great party
what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.
it would be so handy to have a fax machine attached to my body
I wish I could understand how you function in society
Apparently I really was petting a bunny named lazarus in Jimmy Johns last night.
I just bottomed with the last unicorn playing in the background. I've hit a new level of gay.
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
Lmao a dude who just got out of prison said im worth 10 cigarettes in prison...I think that's a compliment
I just woke up, its 6AM and i'm pretty sure the guy passed out next to me is 70% ugly...
Just so you know, I choose to answer your bootytext tonight because it was the most creative.
Randomize
