guess who came home with a hottie last night
Def drugged
Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him
broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.
you're writing country songs now?
We're talking about addictions in class and there's a girl 2 rows in front of me on Farmville. Hello, example.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I consider myself to be an upstream bisexual
You're the salmon of the gays...
I woke up in Brittany's thong, Tony's shirt, and an oven mitt
I found where he bartends and I guarantee you that in approximately nine months from this Friday, you will have a niece
Im drunk taking pregnancy tests with this really hot girl...i dont know what is happening
i just woke up on the desk in his dorm with him snoring in my vagina. better than last week waking up to a different guy puking on my bare ass i guess.
Shame - the story of my life.
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