my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
Last night we looked at each other with an expression of "fuck I am so done being normal", took off our shirts, and danced around in our bras
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
And to add, there was a fat guy right next to me who, when the girls would shake their butts, he would let out a shrill xena warrior princess cheer
I woke up with jello shots in pant pockets so I must've had fun
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I feel asleep with my contacts in, with my arms wrapped around a bottle of vodka. Also... Do we have class today?
THIS IS WHAT CELL PHONES ARE FOR! So you can tell me that you're bringing your coworker who lives in the "Halleleuia community" home for a beer SO I'M NOT DRESSED IN LEATHER LINGERIE WHEN HE WALKS IN THE FUCKING DOOR!!
We're sitting on the kitchen floor drinking and talking about mounting real light sabers to the dog's head.
Randomize
