you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters
you threw your tampon into someones open car window...while they were driving.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?
on todays agenda: meeting with a life coach then going to the dollar store to buy batteries for my vibrator. clearly im still unemployed.
Jesus himself couldn't make a better sandwich
I'm on my way back with the wine... And a puppy. It was free.
YOU CANT FOOL THE TOILET
God dammit. My lube leaked all over my passport
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
You can tell by the way he cuddles that he's got mommy issues
So I got offered a job this morning based on being a "good role model for girls" and I am drunk at 330 in the afternoon in "celebration." sometimes, life is insane. But not so bad.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
Just come here quick. I'm home in 3min. It will take you literally less than 5 to walk. Then 2 to undress, 16 to fuck, 2 to dress again and 5 to walk back..!!
exactly 16 eh??
Randomize
