Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
i'll give you all the meat in my fridge in exchange for 2 condoms.
I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
Woke up in 100% not my clothes this morning. Third time this month. Fuck. Tequila.
he is the anna nicole to my 90 year-old billionaire. i'm grateful that he's fucking me, so i'm buying him shit.
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
Some lady old enough to be our mom took us home, made me eggs and he still got some. Where do I claim my best wingman/sister trophy?
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
How many band members does it take to become The Band Slut? I think I might be dangerously close
Yeah but him not going to be sleeping in your sink this time.
I put on a tiger onsie to initiate sex... It worked
Nothing says "i love you" more than flowers and potatoes
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